Left my home in...

There's something about being... homeless. Effectively, homeless, I guess. I'm a gypsy; I rely on the kindness of my friends and a few strangers.

Portland could really feel like home, if I ever stayed here long enough to grow roots; but I'm not committing to anything. Mostly because I hate committing to something and then not following through. So far, every day, I have to committ to breathing. Taking the next breath. For a couple of days that was just out of this weird pain, like a boulder in my chest. I chalked it up to another big adjustment and carried on, as usual. But it was made manifest this morning.

The gypsy had to take the bus to the emergency room this morning because she hasn't held down a job long enough to get health insurance. Anyway, it's a good thing I did because I caught it before it became something much worse. It's just a viral upper respiratory infection. I caught it like the day after I quit smoking. The irony, I know, but it certainly does help you stay quit. And, god bless you, dr., he gave me the inhaler I need.

It's good to be back in Portland. I took for granted how much everything just makes sense here, not that a language barrier has ever held me back. But, no, I love the bus, I love the bumper stickers, I love the grocery stores. It's just when I smile or I go to bed at night, it feels like something's missing...

I guess nothing says "I'm not talking to you right now" like a week's worth of silence. In a way, I was preparing for losing him the whole time. There's very little in this world you can keep, and in the life of a gypsy, friends just aren't one of them.

Break with the Past

As per my agreement with myself, I said I would blog when I had nothing else to do.  Right now, at this moment, because of year's of selfish and impulsive decision making, I have nothing else to do.  I can finally say that I'm starting to see where everything you do gets you.  Right now, I have nothing to do, but sit and wait.  The "hurry up and wait" game.  And, again, I am at the total mercy of whoever will help me out of this jam I've gotten myself into.

The short of it is that I try to escape shitty situations instead of deal with them.  In doing so, I have, historically, made them far worse.  Except this year, where, as consciously as I could, I tried to make the best decision for myself and others as possible with the information I had.  A lot of times this year that has meant relocating.  I've moved (across the country) three times this year, probably going on four.  Ironically, I'm going to end up almost back where I started, geographically.  Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I'm lightyears ahead of where I started out a year ago.

Hence, the title: The Persistent Fool for my blog and, hopefully, for my one of my books.  If the fool would persist in his folly, he would become wise.  That alone isn't entirely true.  

That's the ultimate lesson that I have learned: that all of this is part of the Divine Dichotomy.  Truth is paradox and the correct path is a thin, hard line you have to walk.  

For a long time, I did whatever I wanted.  No one could tell me what to do.  As a kid, my mom couldn't dress me or punish me or give me a curfew.  I followed my own selfish, foolish heart.  That lead me, steadily, eventually, rapidly, to a place where I had created nothing but chaos.  I had broken all of my favorite and most precious relationships.  I had no money, no security, no mental or emotional health to see me through.  I was the most dependent I had ever been and everyone was done helping me.

I got very quickly, very completely, to a place where I could be very easily lead.  I didn't trust myself at all.  I couldn't feel my gut reaction to anything.  I ignored the voice in my head.  I thought: listen to others, anyone, everyone, cause they will know better.

That got me very quickly to a place where I was very scared and very confused.  Why does everyone's advice sound so different?  What is Right?  What is True?  What is Good?

Eventually, I could see that people were telling me what's worked for them.  I could see that they were giving language to their own successes and failures, and more importantly, their own needs and desires.  And I could hear, for the first time, the love and concern for me when they offered their advice.

The Paradox here is "...lean not on your own understanding..." (Prov. 3:4) vs. "Keep your own counsel" (which, I don't know where that's from, but it's an age-old adage). 

Prov. 12: 15: The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice. (NIV)

Vs.

Wm. Blake: If the fool would persist in his folly, he would become wise.

Neither alone are true, and I'm sure there are even better proverbs out there to demonstrate this point.  Together, they speak the Truth.

Everyone wants to help, and everyone can help if you let him.  But, ultimately, you have to know what it is you want and need.  And you have the right to make your own decisions based on those two criteria.  But sometimes we don't know what's best for ourselves.  And I've learned that you'll know when you Know what's best for you.  There are stages, I think.  Consciousness has a lot to do with this.  When you don't know what's best for you, you will either be foolhardy and persistent or nervous and compliant.  Both of those alone lead to crazy.  I can tell you for sure.  But when you do know what's best for you, based on your options (once you've weighed all of them) you will be patient, grateful, and motivated.

And then maybe you'll get that thing and go right back to one of your former states.  

My advice (and yes, I'm aware that I am giving advice) is that you have to be paying attention, you have to be conscious to: know what you want, know what you need, receive the best help, make the soundest decision, etc.  More on that later I guess.

One thing I can say for the Persistent Fool is this:

Prov. 4:7: Wisdom is supreme; therefore, get wisdom.  Though it cost all you have, get understanding..."

This little nugget of wisdom cost me a lot to learn.  I have $2.00 in my checking, $1.24 in my wallet; I'm effectively unemployed and homeless.  But here is this little piece of gold, I give it freely to you.  It's the one thing I've got, and I know, there's plenty more where that came from.

Results

Results

The Sacrificial Body

His little girl is in there sick and there's nothing I can do to help her.  I can't sleep through her coughing.  I remain ever-vigilant for something that will ease her discomfort and my sense of powerlessness.

Tonight is regular old insomnia, not necessarily emerging symptoms of hypomania.

I've decided a blog would help me keep up with my journaling, help me put together a writing portfolio, help me channel this cornversation with god.  But I fucking hate typing on this laptop.

The question of the hour is not whether god is sworn to some sort of oath of non-interference of human's free will and therefore impotent to assist us or whether GOD has his will for us and is constantly trying put us on that path and is resigned to indignance that we don't get with the program.  The question of the hour is what does cooperation with God entail?  What does it look like?  

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Why is that necessarily so.  I've seen in my own experience that it all too often is.  Why are intentions so useless?  Or rather how or when are intentions useful?

I've decided that it is when you can align your intention with your purpose.  That is what brings about manifestation.

I've been thinking a lot about wanting and desire.  I couldn't get past the idea that a statement "I want something..." can only produce the wanting, or lack, of that thing.  You say you want something and the universe says back, "You sure do."  I agree with that much.  I've witnessed it my whole life with my own eyes.  But I couldn't figure out what to do with desire after that, because you can't help but have them.  So I decided to start saying it was my purpose to do this or that...

See I truly believe that God's will for us is our will for us.  God wants for us what we want for ourselves.  And God stands ready to assist us with all of our endeavors at every moment (as in, it's never too late or too far off course) with possibilities and opportunities we never even dreamed of. 

It's just how to channel that power of assistance and abundance.

One of the ways I've decided on is declaring your purpose.  Another benefit of that is that it's easy to get bogged down in wanting, well, pretty much anything and everything.  I could list all day long the stuff I don't have.  But it's hard not to be honest and focused about what your purpose is.

A funny example is if I tried to say that I want to go on Oprah-which is my secret shame that I totally do.  And every day I do not get on Oprah.  So I reframe it: "It is my purpose to go on Oprah."  Saying it that way, it just becomes very clear to me that it is not my purpose, not short- or long-term, not to fulfill monetary goals or spiritual goals.  It would be fun and I'm open to the possibility, but in order to receive the help of the Creator I have to honest and serious about what my purpose(s) is(are).  

So, in contrast, I can say I want $10, 000.  Well, reframing and making it powerful, I can say it's my purpose to make $10,000 in the next year.  Saying it that way, I know I'm selling myself enormously short.  Saying it is my purpose to make $10, 000 next month calls into play my serious disbelief.  I don't yet understand beliefs role in all this but so far I do know from experience that stuff you believe in happens and most of the time stuff you don't believe in doesn't.

God has said, you say that seeing is believing, I say that believing is seeing.

(Whenever I don't know who said some little nugget I want to use, I'm just going to attribute it to God.)

Anyway, this is on my mind right this second because as I sit here unable to sleep...

I'm trying to figure out...

I've decided that the most useful definition of crazy is the perhaps the oldest, simplest one.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

So crazy, in my case, would be not looking at what's contributing to insomnia or using whole-systemic treatments to rapidly counteract the insomnia.  You get the idea.

I don't have health insurance (YET-Yeah, Barack Obama is gonna be president) and I have to treat this schizoaffective disorder.  But I've read a shit ton of books and I'm definitely smart-for better or for worse.  So there should be and quite obviously is a lot that I can do for myself.  I've also been fortunate, well, I believe that God is always providing you with exactly what you need.  The question is whether or not your paying attention.  The bottom line, is I have to diagnose and treat problems myself, be my own advocate, use all the free or super-cheap resources that I can (in a non-leechy way), create alliances among my friends and family, etc. Meanwhile, trying not just to get by but to be a person that I like and admire, have relationships that are supportive, loving and graceful, do well consistently at work, balance creativity with rest, etc.  And the research question all the while is of course can I treat myself just as well if not better than all the psychologists and spiritual gurus out there and if so, how?  I want to observe it, as it works and doesn't work (but especially when it works) so I can create a blueprint for anyone for whom someone else's way just doesn't quite stick.

And the how-to is what I think I can contribute.  My book.  We'll see.  Is that one of my purposes?

So to be concrete:  I had caffeine for the first time in 3 days.  I had it late in the afternoon moreover.  And I did not have a modest amount.  I had a greedy-yeah! coffee for the first time in three days-quick let's get rid of this groggy feeling-amount.  I had a gin and tonic before bed.  But that didn't do the trick.  When I laid down, I was listening to the baby coughing and crying in her sleep so even sans-caffeine sleep would be difficult-light at best.  I don't want to get in the routine of uppers to wake up, downers to get to sleep.  I also don't want to try to walk on water right after I've learned to swim.  So a couple of cups of coffee is probably fine in the morning if it's early enough that I'll just naturally be tired by bed time.

There haven't been any other symptoms of hypomania present in a couple of weeks now.  Today, after the coffee, I was talkative but no pressure of speech, florid creativity, or flight of ideas.  I would definitely not say right now that I am the kind of eloquent fountainhead that I normally am when I'm hypomanic (which leads me back to question: is hypomania really always such a bad thing?)  So as long as the insomnia is a tonight-only appearance, I shouldn't be too at risk for an emerging manic episode. 

It's 5:15 now.  I just put on another pot of coffee.  Plenty early for it to wear off by tonight and good enough to keep me going for right now.  Drink plenty of water, get plenty to eat, get 30 minutes of exercise in the early afternoon today and we should be back on track.  I guess I'll check in later and we can see.