Break with the Past

As per my agreement with myself, I said I would blog when I had nothing else to do.  Right now, at this moment, because of year's of selfish and impulsive decision making, I have nothing else to do.  I can finally say that I'm starting to see where everything you do gets you.  Right now, I have nothing to do, but sit and wait.  The "hurry up and wait" game.  And, again, I am at the total mercy of whoever will help me out of this jam I've gotten myself into.

The short of it is that I try to escape shitty situations instead of deal with them.  In doing so, I have, historically, made them far worse.  Except this year, where, as consciously as I could, I tried to make the best decision for myself and others as possible with the information I had.  A lot of times this year that has meant relocating.  I've moved (across the country) three times this year, probably going on four.  Ironically, I'm going to end up almost back where I started, geographically.  Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I'm lightyears ahead of where I started out a year ago.

Hence, the title: The Persistent Fool for my blog and, hopefully, for my one of my books.  If the fool would persist in his folly, he would become wise.  That alone isn't entirely true.  

That's the ultimate lesson that I have learned: that all of this is part of the Divine Dichotomy.  Truth is paradox and the correct path is a thin, hard line you have to walk.  

For a long time, I did whatever I wanted.  No one could tell me what to do.  As a kid, my mom couldn't dress me or punish me or give me a curfew.  I followed my own selfish, foolish heart.  That lead me, steadily, eventually, rapidly, to a place where I had created nothing but chaos.  I had broken all of my favorite and most precious relationships.  I had no money, no security, no mental or emotional health to see me through.  I was the most dependent I had ever been and everyone was done helping me.

I got very quickly, very completely, to a place where I could be very easily lead.  I didn't trust myself at all.  I couldn't feel my gut reaction to anything.  I ignored the voice in my head.  I thought: listen to others, anyone, everyone, cause they will know better.

That got me very quickly to a place where I was very scared and very confused.  Why does everyone's advice sound so different?  What is Right?  What is True?  What is Good?

Eventually, I could see that people were telling me what's worked for them.  I could see that they were giving language to their own successes and failures, and more importantly, their own needs and desires.  And I could hear, for the first time, the love and concern for me when they offered their advice.

The Paradox here is "...lean not on your own understanding..." (Prov. 3:4) vs. "Keep your own counsel" (which, I don't know where that's from, but it's an age-old adage). 

Prov. 12: 15: The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice. (NIV)

Vs.

Wm. Blake: If the fool would persist in his folly, he would become wise.

Neither alone are true, and I'm sure there are even better proverbs out there to demonstrate this point.  Together, they speak the Truth.

Everyone wants to help, and everyone can help if you let him.  But, ultimately, you have to know what it is you want and need.  And you have the right to make your own decisions based on those two criteria.  But sometimes we don't know what's best for ourselves.  And I've learned that you'll know when you Know what's best for you.  There are stages, I think.  Consciousness has a lot to do with this.  When you don't know what's best for you, you will either be foolhardy and persistent or nervous and compliant.  Both of those alone lead to crazy.  I can tell you for sure.  But when you do know what's best for you, based on your options (once you've weighed all of them) you will be patient, grateful, and motivated.

And then maybe you'll get that thing and go right back to one of your former states.  

My advice (and yes, I'm aware that I am giving advice) is that you have to be paying attention, you have to be conscious to: know what you want, know what you need, receive the best help, make the soundest decision, etc.  More on that later I guess.

One thing I can say for the Persistent Fool is this:

Prov. 4:7: Wisdom is supreme; therefore, get wisdom.  Though it cost all you have, get understanding..."

This little nugget of wisdom cost me a lot to learn.  I have $2.00 in my checking, $1.24 in my wallet; I'm effectively unemployed and homeless.  But here is this little piece of gold, I give it freely to you.  It's the one thing I've got, and I know, there's plenty more where that came from.