God has been trying to get me to figure out what I've been calling him.
That's the code.
Father.
Blasphemy.
Name him and you'll "hear" him. Feel him.
know.
and it's impossible to believe.
can i live forever?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Writing this means trusting someone else?
It has to do with God's experience of himself.
As a parent.
Where people are.
I'm listening to God.
I'm just the only one that can understand what he's saying.
But when I'm listening to it.
It sounds like he's talking to me.
The relationship you have with your parents.
And that's where Aaron comes in.
Aaron is silent. Listening.
I am silent. Not listening. Listening to myself. Talk to God.
Inference.
Being a point. That hears.
And you guys are all out there.
Except the writer.
As a parent.
Where people are.
I'm listening to God.
I'm just the only one that can understand what he's saying.
But when I'm listening to it.
It sounds like he's talking to me.
The relationship you have with your parents.
And that's where Aaron comes in.
Aaron is silent. Listening.
I am silent. Not listening. Listening to myself. Talk to God.
Inference.
Being a point. That hears.
And you guys are all out there.
Except the writer.
Atheists
The people that I hang out with and can get close to
are
atheists
that are just fine with that.
or completely pretend to be...
and i can feel their conversation with God.
I'M THEIR MESSENGER.
are
atheists
that are just fine with that.
or completely pretend to be...
and i can feel their conversation with God.
I'M THEIR MESSENGER.
a lonely place...
but a place where you're not alone.
where there's familiar sounds and familiar heartbeats and amounts of tension in your jaw and falls in the rhythm of your breathing. Finding a comfort in your own skin.
No not a comfort.
There's no comfortable option.
You're at work.
For as long as you put up with this.
The sooner you accept it the less hell it'll be.
Punishment for being yourself. Just for being alive.
Parents.
Taking the job would be hell too.
Why?
Cause I would have to believe that I hear your voice all the time. That even though I'm completely "paranoid".
It's not paranoid.
It's completely self obsessed.
You're trying to speak
...you're own story.
There are creatives.
Some sell-outs, all well-dressed.
Musicians. etc.
There are addicts.
Whose devotion to God is equal only to their feelings of total unworthiness.
And there are schizophrenics.
Whose narcissism is paralleled only by the extremely successful.
And whose failure is only determined by their feelings of complete worthlessness.
If you fall, then you're fucked.
If you're wrong. If you listen. There's some sort of hell waiting for you.
where there's familiar sounds and familiar heartbeats and amounts of tension in your jaw and falls in the rhythm of your breathing. Finding a comfort in your own skin.
No not a comfort.
There's no comfortable option.
You're at work.
For as long as you put up with this.
The sooner you accept it the less hell it'll be.
Punishment for being yourself. Just for being alive.
Parents.
Taking the job would be hell too.
Why?
Cause I would have to believe that I hear your voice all the time. That even though I'm completely "paranoid".
It's not paranoid.
It's completely self obsessed.
You're trying to speak
...you're own story.
There are creatives.
Some sell-outs, all well-dressed.
Musicians. etc.
There are addicts.
Whose devotion to God is equal only to their feelings of total unworthiness.
And there are schizophrenics.
Whose narcissism is paralleled only by the extremely successful.
And whose failure is only determined by their feelings of complete worthlessness.
If you fall, then you're fucked.
If you're wrong. If you listen. There's some sort of hell waiting for you.
There's a place where we meet...
Right here right now.
Where we're trapped.
There's just choice a now.
and choice a later.
and in the meantime could be hell.
but we would get a lot of pleasure for our punishment together in the meantime.
But that's the point between now
and whenever we finally "go to work"
and in the meantime we're gonna be kids in trouble
anyway, when the work is over
we'll be off the hook
cause god is our parents
and our children
i never thought of that
i don't get it.
anyway,
as you can see the conversation with God is still going on...
and it's driving me crazy.
save me.
but to save me you'd have to trust me.
cause i have to do this.
i only want this.
it's this now or
it's this later.
and for me it'll be hell in the meantime.
i don't fit
you don't fit.
let's find a place we can meet in the meantime.
you remember when i was drunk
the other night?
and i said that God was saying that you have to be okay with me not being around?
I didn't know what that meant because at the time I was "not at work" and was "letting off steam" and i had no idea what God was talking about. It didn't even occur to me that I was supposed to be listening. That's the drug talking. The drug affecting what comes out of the mouth of a girl that never speaks her own words. Just babbles alone with the millions of "voices in her head"
her own voices on steroids
it's a different kind of sense
and it's what you're paying attention to
it's the places that you meet
Where we're trapped.
There's just choice a now.
and choice a later.
and in the meantime could be hell.
but we would get a lot of pleasure for our punishment together in the meantime.
But that's the point between now
and whenever we finally "go to work"
and in the meantime we're gonna be kids in trouble
anyway, when the work is over
we'll be off the hook
cause god is our parents
and our children
i never thought of that
i don't get it.
anyway,
as you can see the conversation with God is still going on...
and it's driving me crazy.
save me.
but to save me you'd have to trust me.
cause i have to do this.
i only want this.
it's this now or
it's this later.
and for me it'll be hell in the meantime.
i don't fit
you don't fit.
let's find a place we can meet in the meantime.
you remember when i was drunk
the other night?
and i said that God was saying that you have to be okay with me not being around?
I didn't know what that meant because at the time I was "not at work" and was "letting off steam" and i had no idea what God was talking about. It didn't even occur to me that I was supposed to be listening. That's the drug talking. The drug affecting what comes out of the mouth of a girl that never speaks her own words. Just babbles alone with the millions of "voices in her head"
her own voices on steroids
it's a different kind of sense
and it's what you're paying attention to
it's the places that you meet
I'm not a writer.
I'm a prophet.
And there are millions of others.
It's loud in here.
I can hear their conversation with God.
But only because of the way that it plays into mine.
Cause I'm really self-centered.
I'm just gonna keep writing.
Because I have no one else to write this with. Accept Aaron. And I can't ask of him the same thing you can't ask of me.
But we both talk to you constantly anyway.
So we'll connect just fine.
But I just don't want to do that to someone. I feel like I can't be in the same place with anyone at the same time.
I'd have to ask you to pay attention to me like all the time.
It's expensive.
I'm just a child.
Right your parents.
I can hear them.
I know that this is your job too.
Not job.
Work is where you go to punish yourself for not following your dream.
It's my dream to be a prophet or messenger or whatever and it's your dream to be a writer.
Say your parents.
And that you are perfect.
And that with me you are home
and that you are loved and that you're welcome
and you just called me again
And there are millions of others.
It's loud in here.
I can hear their conversation with God.
But only because of the way that it plays into mine.
Cause I'm really self-centered.
I'm just gonna keep writing.
Because I have no one else to write this with. Accept Aaron. And I can't ask of him the same thing you can't ask of me.
But we both talk to you constantly anyway.
So we'll connect just fine.
But I just don't want to do that to someone. I feel like I can't be in the same place with anyone at the same time.
I'd have to ask you to pay attention to me like all the time.
It's expensive.
I'm just a child.
Right your parents.
I can hear them.
I know that this is your job too.
Not job.
Work is where you go to punish yourself for not following your dream.
It's my dream to be a prophet or messenger or whatever and it's your dream to be a writer.
Say your parents.
And that you are perfect.
And that with me you are home
and that you are loved and that you're welcome
and you just called me again
Heresy at the Church Pinic
I have had trouble accepting that I was a writer ever since the moment I was born.
Even though, just as strongly, I always knew that I wanted to be.
I've wanted to be a lot of other things just as badly.
Since I've first convinced myself I'd never be a writer.
The thing that I convince myself that I can do keeps becoming more and more...
embarrassing...
IN FUCKING SANE.
Even though, just as strongly, I always knew that I wanted to be.
I've wanted to be a lot of other things just as badly.
Since I've first convinced myself I'd never be a writer.
The thing that I convince myself that I can do keeps becoming more and more...
embarrassing...
IN FUCKING SANE.
which drugs to take
I took a 200 mg carbamazepine this morning, but I forgot to take it last night.
I've actually only taken half my prescription this month.
So any mood stability that I have had has all been me.
Line cook. Keep pushing. Going back to the beginning over and over again. I got a better job offer.
Than citizen schools.
And it's been impossible to get to work ever since.
I've actually only taken half my prescription this month.
So any mood stability that I have had has all been me.
Line cook. Keep pushing. Going back to the beginning over and over again. I got a better job offer.
Than citizen schools.
And it's been impossible to get to work ever since.
Life is work.
That's assignment.
I haven't been coming to work on time
because Charlie can see this blog.
I didn't know if he was looking at it or not.
Now that I know that he has seen it...
I can at least decide...
you know what's the most exciting revelation!
accepting this would be enormously difficult.
i hear the 11
when i get embarrassed for talking to god.
when i get to the
"you know what would be the most exciting revelation?!?" part
i already here it in this sick mocking tone.
and i feel like a fucking psychotic narcissist.
just like my mother said
but it's like they say about god.
you can chose option a now
or option a later
and the meantime is just gonna be hell
the women next to me are splitting their check
and for all i know they've been making fun of me the whole time they've been here.
I haven't been coming to work on time
because Charlie can see this blog.
I didn't know if he was looking at it or not.
Now that I know that he has seen it...
I can at least decide...
you know what's the most exciting revelation!
accepting this would be enormously difficult.
i hear the 11
when i get embarrassed for talking to god.
when i get to the
"you know what would be the most exciting revelation?!?" part
i already here it in this sick mocking tone.
and i feel like a fucking psychotic narcissist.
just like my mother said
but it's like they say about god.
you can chose option a now
or option a later
and the meantime is just gonna be hell
the women next to me are splitting their check
and for all i know they've been making fun of me the whole time they've been here.
I'm a writer?
This is some sort of letter to Aaron
even though I'm publishing it on the internet.
It's hard to be out in the open.
It's hard to be yourself.
When you don't know who that is.
I talk to God all the time.
Whether I like it or not.
It's my heaven and it's my hell.
Right here right now.
Where I'm trapped.
When to listen to God could mean believing in him.
And believing in God means doing what he says.
That means being with someone else?
Work is the places that you go to when you want to punish yourself for not following your dream.
even though I'm publishing it on the internet.
It's hard to be out in the open.
It's hard to be yourself.
When you don't know who that is.
I talk to God all the time.
Whether I like it or not.
It's my heaven and it's my hell.
Right here right now.
Where I'm trapped.
When to listen to God could mean believing in him.
And believing in God means doing what he says.
That means being with someone else?
Work is the places that you go to when you want to punish yourself for not following your dream.
An embarrassing story
I can't just sit here and write what the 11 talk about. Why would they admit that they were real. And I'm not quite getting my point across?
The marines are here.
This is the fucking joke.
That they were watching.
I'm a racist and an asshole. I judge people based on who they are. And what?
It sounds like English all the time.
I'm crazy.
I am crazy.
not medical...
well neurology...
being a patient. you study them?
diet?
i know.
so you guys are the 11.
i made it up.
when i was perfectly sane.
but that's not kat and hans.
how the fuck do you guys know kat and hans?
you're like that too.
immersion?
what the fuck are you talking
patients
parents
i'm listening.
why did i have to do this
cause that's the only waythat you're gonnaa
slow down
talking to me
older people think that there's a miracle drug
because in our culture
what fucking culture?
i sit there for the dialysis
assignments
which
in the hospital
they're all like my aunts and uncles
invite me over for dinner
enraoches upon the whole client medical interpreter thing
different people that we know
i don't know if it's the same person
name's based on when you were born
shut the fuck up
yeah cultures fucking weird
so i am a messenger or i'm not
siblings
right
gives me a chance to actually speak
me
self-centric
parents
am i paying attention to you?
The marines are here.
This is the fucking joke.
That they were watching.
I'm a racist and an asshole. I judge people based on who they are. And what?
It sounds like English all the time.
I'm crazy.
I am crazy.
not medical...
well neurology...
being a patient. you study them?
diet?
i know.
so you guys are the 11.
i made it up.
when i was perfectly sane.
but that's not kat and hans.
how the fuck do you guys know kat and hans?
you're like that too.
immersion?
what the fuck are you talking
patients
parents
i'm listening.
why did i have to do this
cause that's the only waythat you're gonnaa
slow down
talking to me
older people think that there's a miracle drug
because in our culture
what fucking culture?
i sit there for the dialysis
assignments
which
in the hospital
they're all like my aunts and uncles
invite me over for dinner
enraoches upon the whole client medical interpreter thing
different people that we know
i don't know if it's the same person
name's based on when you were born
shut the fuck up
yeah cultures fucking weird
so i am a messenger or i'm not
siblings
right
gives me a chance to actually speak
me
self-centric
parents
am i paying attention to you?
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